American high school

Jillian Murray, Talan Torriero, Martin Klebba, Nikki Schieler Ziering
If you've been keeping up with my blog, and I'm sure not even my boyfriend is, my last post was on my worst movie of the year (so far), well it stands defeated, because now I present the worst movie EVER.

Big claim I know, and not all of this film is an absolute tragedy, but the bits that are wrong, are very wrong.

The film centres around a high school girl, (whose name I chose not to remember, so I'll call her The Brunette) who lives through a wanna-be American Pie Schtick.

The Brunette is in the most non-committal marriage ever, with a husband being stolen by the school skank. It's never explained why they are married, consideing they're both in school, happy to cheat on each other and "be single for college".

Right of the bat, the film doesn't show much promise. Within 40 seconds there's a glaringly obvious spelling error in title cards; "election speAches".

It's the all-American high school, that is originally called "American High School." This hints at the possibility of a satire, but that falls flat with the Porno-quailty production values.

I choose to mention that because the film often seems like a porn setup. The biggest offender is a scene in which the art teacher is wearing nothing but a corset...during class, she then takes off her top when a student asked for "inspiration", she then picks up a pencil...and um, I'll um leave that there.

There's also a collection of dirty puns such as "It's not a pony, but I'll ride it like a race horse", "I love it when you're trashy" (whilst having sex in a dumpster) and "Your name may be Apple but I want to see some melons"

And hey, I'm totally fine with the sex jokes and the boobs, those lines are even kinda funny. Until you realise that first line was spoken by a dad to his daughter, about her new stepmother...and that's where it gets weird.

There's a moment in the film where The Brunette's dad tells her "If I wanted a discrete relationship with my daughter I would just ask" after mistaking her for a MySpace floozy. He later tells her date "If u need some road head I won't get in the way" while they are all sitting in the car, he also gets her to sit in his lap whilst wearing nothing but a speedo.

The Brunette, the history teacher, the school principal and several other students also watch her father have sex in a horribly convulted plan to get her graduate.

But the icing on the cake to all this in the final minutes of the film. As The Brunette explains that her father has set up a rape crisis centre for women, there is a shot of her father comforting a crying rape victim, he hugs her, turns to the camera and esstentially gives a thumbs up and sleezy smile. WTF, seriously?

So if you're thinking of watching this movie for the dry humping, the boobs and the bikini prom, keep these scenes in mind and know you're gonna feel uncomfortable after.

And now I'll conclude with the moral of the film:
"Sometimes life really blows but it's time for you to sit back and enjoy the blowjob"

1 out of 5 carrots

•Just Jd•