Jillian Murray, Talan Torriero, Martin Klebba, Nikki Schieler Ziering
If you've been keeping up with my blog, and I'm sure not even my boyfriend is, my last post was on my worst movie of the year (so far), well it stands defeated, because now I present the worst movie EVER.
Big claim I know, and not all of this film is an absolute tragedy, but the bits that are wrong, are very wrong.
The film centres around a high school girl, (whose name I chose not to remember, so I'll call her The Brunette) who lives through a wanna-be American Pie Schtick.
The Brunette is in the most non-committal marriage ever, with a husband being stolen by the school skank. It's never explained why they are married, consideing they're both in school, happy to cheat on each other and "be single for college".
Right of the bat, the film doesn't show much promise. Within 40 seconds there's a glaringly obvious spelling error in title cards; "election speAches".
It's the all-American high school, that is originally called "American High School." This hints at the possibility of a satire, but that falls flat with the Porno-quailty production values.
I choose to mention that because the film often seems like a porn setup. The biggest offender is a scene in which the art teacher is wearing nothing but a corset...during class, she then takes off her top when a student asked for "inspiration", she then picks up a pencil...and um, I'll um leave that there.
There's also a collection of dirty puns such as "It's not a pony, but I'll ride it like a race horse", "I love it when you're trashy" (whilst having sex in a dumpster) and "Your name may be Apple but I want to see some melons"
And hey, I'm totally fine with the sex jokes and the boobs, those lines are even kinda funny. Until you realise that first line was spoken by a dad to his daughter, about her new stepmother...and that's where it gets weird.
There's a moment in the film where The Brunette's dad tells her "If I wanted a discrete relationship with my daughter I would just ask" after mistaking her for a MySpace floozy. He later tells her date "If u need some road head I won't get in the way" while they are all sitting in the car, he also gets her to sit in his lap whilst wearing nothing but a speedo.
The Brunette, the history teacher, the school principal and several other students also watch her father have sex in a horribly convulted plan to get her graduate.
But the icing on the cake to all this in the final minutes of the film. As The Brunette explains that her father has set up a rape crisis centre for women, there is a shot of her father comforting a crying rape victim, he hugs her, turns to the camera and esstentially gives a thumbs up and sleezy smile. WTF, seriously?
So if you're thinking of watching this movie for the dry humping, the boobs and the bikini prom, keep these scenes in mind and know you're gonna feel uncomfortable after.
And now I'll conclude with the moral of the film:
"Sometimes life really blows but it's time for you to sit back and enjoy the blowjob"
1 out of 5 carrots
•Just Jd•
Monday, March 29, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Sherlock Holmes; no Robert Downey, but plenty of dinosaurs
Sherlock Holmes
(Ben Syder, Gareth David-Loyd)
Yes you read correctly; dinosaurs! Not just dinosaurs either! This film also features a kraken, a guy in an iron man suit, a robot and a mechanical fire-breathing dragon that terrorizes London. What more could you possibly ask for?! (please don't say "logical plot")
Obviously this isn't Guy Richie's vision of Arthur Conan Doyles' famous detective, rather it's produced by a company notrious for riding on the back of Hollywood hits. Asylum is responsible for gems such as Transmorphers and Sunday School Musical, but more on those later.
Sherlock Holmes takes the cake when it comes to confusing plotlines.
!!SPOILER ALERT!!
Sherlock and his trusty companion investigate claims of a ship being attacked by a kraken. Which turns out to be a fake designed to steal gold, to make fake dinosaurs, to steal a water pump, to build a dragon, to burn down London, to frame a police chief, meanwhile the villian plans to blow up Buckingham palace with a robot that Watson has the hots for. *sigh*
!!SPOILER END!!
Despite making absolutely no sense, it is insanely fun and hilarious to watch. Watson is the chubby, fuddy Watson you expect, not the dashing Jude Law. And Sherlock is rather appropriately nerdy. The special effects also aren't dismal considering the film's B-grade heritage.
4 out of 5 carrots
•Just Jd•
(Ben Syder, Gareth David-Loyd)
Yes you read correctly; dinosaurs! Not just dinosaurs either! This film also features a kraken, a guy in an iron man suit, a robot and a mechanical fire-breathing dragon that terrorizes London. What more could you possibly ask for?! (please don't say "logical plot")
Obviously this isn't Guy Richie's vision of Arthur Conan Doyles' famous detective, rather it's produced by a company notrious for riding on the back of Hollywood hits. Asylum is responsible for gems such as Transmorphers and Sunday School Musical, but more on those later.
Sherlock Holmes takes the cake when it comes to confusing plotlines.
!!SPOILER ALERT!!
Sherlock and his trusty companion investigate claims of a ship being attacked by a kraken. Which turns out to be a fake designed to steal gold, to make fake dinosaurs, to steal a water pump, to build a dragon, to burn down London, to frame a police chief, meanwhile the villian plans to blow up Buckingham palace with a robot that Watson has the hots for. *sigh*
!!SPOILER END!!
Despite making absolutely no sense, it is insanely fun and hilarious to watch. Watson is the chubby, fuddy Watson you expect, not the dashing Jude Law. And Sherlock is rather appropriately nerdy. The special effects also aren't dismal considering the film's B-grade heritage.
4 out of 5 carrots
•Just Jd•
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
These men really hate women
Girl with the Dragon Tattoo/Men who hate women
(Michael Nyqvist, Noomi Rapace)
Based on the first novel of Stieg Larsson's Millenium trilogy, this Swedish title is an intense film to watch, packed to the brim with confronting sexual violence.
The story follows gothic, hacker Lisbeth Salander and disgraced journalist Mikael Blomkvist as they unravel a decades old mystery concerning a missing teen.
In spite of its two and a half hour running time, the film never feels sluggish. There are plently of red herrings and intrigue to keep you glued to the screen. Which at times you wish it wouldn't, as there are some rather graphic scenes.
!!SPOILER ALERT!!
One particular scene of note is the brutal raping of Lisbeth at the hands of her parole officer. This is followed by her equally brutal act of venegence which culminates with her tattooing her attacker with the words "I am a rapist and sadist pig". It's a haunting scene that stays with you long after the film ends.
!!SPOILER END!!
Much of the film does stay uncomfortably with you, thanks to the brillant performances of the two leads and the shocking content. The film also neatly poses Larsson's core debate of upbringing versus personal responsibility in shaping a persons action. So although the masses is likely to ignore it, Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is a thought provoking piece of foreign cinema.
As I mentioned earlier, this is the first of three novels. The subsquent Girl who Played with Fire and Girl who kicked the Hornet's nest are already produced, so it will be interesting to see the follow up.
4 out of 5 carrots
•Just Jd•
(Michael Nyqvist, Noomi Rapace)
Based on the first novel of Stieg Larsson's Millenium trilogy, this Swedish title is an intense film to watch, packed to the brim with confronting sexual violence.
The story follows gothic, hacker Lisbeth Salander and disgraced journalist Mikael Blomkvist as they unravel a decades old mystery concerning a missing teen.
In spite of its two and a half hour running time, the film never feels sluggish. There are plently of red herrings and intrigue to keep you glued to the screen. Which at times you wish it wouldn't, as there are some rather graphic scenes.
!!SPOILER ALERT!!
One particular scene of note is the brutal raping of Lisbeth at the hands of her parole officer. This is followed by her equally brutal act of venegence which culminates with her tattooing her attacker with the words "I am a rapist and sadist pig". It's a haunting scene that stays with you long after the film ends.
!!SPOILER END!!
Much of the film does stay uncomfortably with you, thanks to the brillant performances of the two leads and the shocking content. The film also neatly poses Larsson's core debate of upbringing versus personal responsibility in shaping a persons action. So although the masses is likely to ignore it, Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is a thought provoking piece of foreign cinema.
As I mentioned earlier, this is the first of three novels. The subsquent Girl who Played with Fire and Girl who kicked the Hornet's nest are already produced, so it will be interesting to see the follow up.
4 out of 5 carrots
•Just Jd•
Down the rabbit hole
Alice in Wonderland
(Mia Wasikowska, Johnny Depp, Helena Bohemn Carter, Anne Hathaway, Alan Rickman, Matt Lucas)
So it begins, and in a fitting opener, down the rabbit hole we go. The latest Alice in Wonderland offering by Disney is one to be plagued with mixed reviews. It's not nessecarily one that you will either love or hate but it is one that will split opinions.
On paper it seems like a match made in heaven; the twisted stylings of Tim Burton and the literary nonense of Lewis Carroll. On film, however, it's just not quite what you expected, not quite enough nonsense or not quite enough darkness.
The film is set several years after the original books and combines characters and elements from both 'Alice's adventure in Wonderland' and 'Through the Looking Glass.' The story follows 19 year old Alice's (Mia Wasikowska) journey back into Wonderland and her destined battle with the Jabberwock/y (voiced by Christopher Lee). The story is sadly, quite linear. It's a girl-out-to-save-the-world-story with some debate between fate and free will thrown in for good measure.
Alice feels a bit flat, but given that her character has always been played as the straight man to the madness it is quite fitting. Helena Bohemn Carter makes for a fun and enjoyably evil, bobbleheaded Red Queen. Anne Hathaway is equally entertaining as the White Queen. Johnny Depp however, isn't all you expect, his depiction of the Mad Hatter is patchy, overusing little quirks to protray madness as opposed to fleshing out a genuine character.
In saying that though, his costume is amazing as is the overall costume and set design of the film. It's what you expect from Tim Burton, all spirals, blacks and white makeup but it is comfortably endearing.
In the end, it's probably not going to be anyones favourite film but if you were willing to watch the *ahem* highly original *cough cough* Avatar, then you should watch this as well, as it is a similarly delightful visual treat.
As a final note, the March Hare proved to be an absolute joy to watch. He's just an adorable bundle of frenetic engery and twitching.
4 out of 5 Carrots
•Just Jd•
(Mia Wasikowska, Johnny Depp, Helena Bohemn Carter, Anne Hathaway, Alan Rickman, Matt Lucas)
So it begins, and in a fitting opener, down the rabbit hole we go. The latest Alice in Wonderland offering by Disney is one to be plagued with mixed reviews. It's not nessecarily one that you will either love or hate but it is one that will split opinions.
On paper it seems like a match made in heaven; the twisted stylings of Tim Burton and the literary nonense of Lewis Carroll. On film, however, it's just not quite what you expected, not quite enough nonsense or not quite enough darkness.
The film is set several years after the original books and combines characters and elements from both 'Alice's adventure in Wonderland' and 'Through the Looking Glass.' The story follows 19 year old Alice's (Mia Wasikowska) journey back into Wonderland and her destined battle with the Jabberwock/y (voiced by Christopher Lee). The story is sadly, quite linear. It's a girl-out-to-save-the-world-story with some debate between fate and free will thrown in for good measure.
Alice feels a bit flat, but given that her character has always been played as the straight man to the madness it is quite fitting. Helena Bohemn Carter makes for a fun and enjoyably evil, bobbleheaded Red Queen. Anne Hathaway is equally entertaining as the White Queen. Johnny Depp however, isn't all you expect, his depiction of the Mad Hatter is patchy, overusing little quirks to protray madness as opposed to fleshing out a genuine character.
In saying that though, his costume is amazing as is the overall costume and set design of the film. It's what you expect from Tim Burton, all spirals, blacks and white makeup but it is comfortably endearing.
In the end, it's probably not going to be anyones favourite film but if you were willing to watch the *ahem* highly original *cough cough* Avatar, then you should watch this as well, as it is a similarly delightful visual treat.
As a final note, the March Hare proved to be an absolute joy to watch. He's just an adorable bundle of frenetic engery and twitching.
4 out of 5 Carrots
•Just Jd•
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